ReArranging my Control Freak Rebel Head SpaceDawn Kotzer
2013 did not go as planned.
It was full of ups and downs, highs and lows and a lot of ReArranging.
ReArranging my idea of what I thought the year should look like.
ReArranging my calendar to suit other more pressing priorities.
ReArranging my control freak headspace to make room for ‘Close Enough’
ReArranging my goals and intentions
ReArranging my expectations
Don’t get me wrong, 2013 did not come empty handed. It came bearing gifts…just not in a form that I could easily recognize or accept. I’d be lying if I said I was over the moon with delight.
The gifts seemed hidden beneath layers of confusion, irritation and hard work.
Eventually I got sick and tired of listening to my own lizard brain whining. I stuffed my ears with soul-cotton and embraced the silence.
Pausing between jobs to gain a little distance and make sense of the form of the gift became an interesting new pastime, a nature borne practice of Awareness.
Turned out the gifts were many. Diverse. Quirky. Some very large, some almost invisible. Some colourful and full of celebration, some floating on tears. No gift turned up alone. They all showed up as a hand holding, soul-sister sidekick to Challenge.
These are some of my favorites-
Big Men and Big Machinery moved in to reinforce retaining walls around the house. There was no choice but to demolish a good part of our ‘finished’ yard along with the well worn walking path down to the forest and lake lookout.
I got to build my first set of outside hills steps, complete with hand posts, step runners and a suitably creative ‘broken paver’ landing area at the base. Each and every time I walk down those steps I remember the fun I had building them. With a little helpful instruction from Lee, I managed to pull this off. I feel accomplished, strong and just a little stunned at the job I did.
Yard renovations meant a summer of landscaping for me.
Ugh. I was pretty sure I had enough yard work to do already. Uneven, dusty, steep and clay bounded areas called out for attention. It felt overwhelming.
Inspiration! I spied the perfect spot for a raised garden…something I’d always wanted but never had room for.
It occurred to me that with some effort I could do this…I mean, I’d just built a flight of steps, right?
So I dug out the site, lavished the soil with rich, nourishing humus I’d hauled out of the boreal forest floor, turned stakes into pickets and laid a small paving stone walkway. My body loved all the exercise and muscle building. Oh ya, 2013 delivered in spades! Best of all, I got to paint my faux picket fence edging with Mak, my grandgirl. She chose the colours and we happily did the job.
60+ days of medical travel to and from my man’s medical treatments. 10 hours each way, many trips required.
Pulling off the busy highway, a gravel road carries you a mile or so to a landscape rolling in green. A chorus of nearby-pond frogs serenades as you sip hot coffee, nibble homemade muffins and inhale the flavour of your lush surroundings. The breeze rolls down the gentle hills and wraps you in summer.
Another graveled turnoff delivers you high and dry, next to a hilltop pasture where you eyeball a strong, silent bison. His confidence and ease meets your gaze. He knows he’s master of his domain…and now you know it too.
Standing in awe of Mother Nature’s work, overlooking ancient vistas and appreciating breathing into a new perspective.
Do I want a repeat of 2013. Nope. I’m ready to celebrate the year, call it a wrap.
But I’m mindful of the biggest gift of all. It’s invisible, intangible, priceless.
Eventually I could not see the challenge for the Gift. Neat, huh.
Move over, Control Freak Head Space. 2014 is going to be a year to remember for all the best of reasons.
Happy New Year to you and yours.
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